Funny Story

Sidenote: If at the end of this story, you feel sorry for me-don't.  It was seriously funny and in no way made me sad.  I was so grumpy at work today (15 hours) and this incident actually made me laugh and lightened my mood.  So just laugh with me.

Another sidenote: Yes, the girls at my work know some things about my personal life.  I work at a treatment center people.  So we do therapy tasks together and the recreational therapist pries crap out of you and has you announce to the group why certain things make you emotional.  Yeah, I get paid to have therapy.  So by default-my life is somewhat on display.

Okay, story time:
I was upstairs with one of the girls today who is......funny.  She doesn't have much of a filter, nor does she recognize what is deemed "socially inappropriate"-so she just says the most inappropriately funny things.  (If you remember me telling a story about how a girl said she's surprised nobody has "picked me" yet, this is the same girl)  So we're upstairs and she's chatting to me as she's vacuuming, and she says, "So Claire, are you gonna get another boyfriend?  Cause you were sad before because your boyfriend dumped you for another girl, right?" 

Uhhhh yeah, you pretty well nailed it!
We'll work on sensitivity with her.

Fine, I'll Do It.

I just went to all my regular stalk-ees' blogs and NOTHING NEW.  So now I am forced to write a new post of my own. 
Ugh. 
Okay, let's just dive into it.  Update since my last post:
-That 13.1 I was complaining about turned into 26.2 on July 4.  What the WHAT?  Yup, it's true.  I lugged my body along for 26.2 miles.  It was....hell.  And yet, I want to do it again.  However, ask me how much I've ran since that blasted day one month ago and I'll answer you with....3.5 miles.  Yeah, and it's HARD.  So basically my body is on the decline and there's not much I can do to stop it; so I won't try.
-I'm moving.  Next weekend I'll move into a new place in Provo.  We all know how much I despise change, so I'm having anxiety attacks about this move every few days.  It won't be the .1 miles away from Courtney and Laura that I live now.  It won't be the .00001 miles away from the gym that is often my only motivation to go.  It won't be in a ward of people I already know.  BUT: it will be A LOT nicer.  It's still only 2 miles away from Courtney and Laura.  It's next door to two friends from work.  So maybe I'll survive.  But just in case, go ahead and start sending me sympathy presents anyways.
-I'm going to SCHOOL.  Yeah, 1.5 years later, and I'M BACK IN THE GAME!  I'm taking evening classes at BYU.  We'll see if I'm still smart.  I forced Courtney to take all the same classes as me, so the good news is that I'll have somebody to bounce jokes off of.
-I work at the treatment center still.  And I absolutely love it.  LOVE IT.  It's the best job in the world.  The girls drive me literally crazy sometimes.  Crazy to the point that I just start laughing over crap because if I don't laugh, I'll either cry or scream.  But it's crazy how much I love those girls.  And hate them at the same time.
-Whitney's getting MARRIED!  HUZZAH!  A few years ago she made me promise that I wouldn't get married before her.  (Which is obviously the only reason I'm still single; good sister alert)  So starting August 20 I'm going to start going down the line of men waiting at my door until I find an elligible suitor.  If only she had gotten married before December, things could be so different.  Hehe.

So those are pretty much the only major updates on my life in the past few months.  Pathetic?  Yeah, okay.  But the bad news is that with school starting, it's only going to get worse from here!  I'll be going straight from work to school Monday-Friday.  I guess it's about time I find out what everyone else has been dealing with over the past 5 years.  Better late than never, I say.

13.1...again

Half marathon #2!
So here in Provo, as I've said before, everyone and their mothers, fathers, children, dogs, is fit.  So running a half marathon to most people around here is just a regular day for them.  BUT for those of us who actually have to try and force ourselves, it's a big feat.
So last saturday Heather and I decided to run the Provo City Half Marathon.  It was kind of last minute, and we were able to get FREE registration by volunteering at packet handout the night before-holla! 
Anyways, we carb loaded (always the best part of any run), woke up at the butt crack of dawn, drove up the Provo canyon, froze our @$$&$ off until 7:15 AM when the gun fired, and we were off.  The first 3-6 miles were kind of tough for me-my stomach was feeling weird and my legs were heavy, but we perservered and it got better after that.  At about mile 10-12 I was slowing down...well, actually that's when we started speeding up-but I could feel my body getting ready to be done.  Mile 12 was hard, but granted we were hauling by this point.  We see the finish line, do a full on sprint, and finish!  My time for this race was 1 hour 55 minutes and some seconds, which is a few minutes slower than my last one but here's why I'm okay with it:
1. This route was harder
2. I LOVED this run.  The first half I ran I was miserable.  I didn't have fun, wanted to stop, hated it.  But running with Heather the whole time, joking, enjoying the scenery, not worrying about our time-it was a beautiful run
3. I thought I had more reasons, hence the numbering, but I guess I only have 2.

12

I just ran 12 miles.  

Don't know how, I haven't ran over 7 in....I can't remember.

But I did it.  

I don't feel great yet. 

I feel hurt and sore and tired and sick.

But I did it, so I want to toot my own horn.

Xanex

So here's the thing: I have issues with reading the last page first. I'll be reading a book, and when it starts to get intense I can't handle it and I have to read the last page so I know how it ends before I can enjoy the story. If I'm constantly worried about what's going to happen at the end, I can't enjoy the parts I'm at- so I go to the end to relax my soul.
Now I'm realizing how that's seriously just like my life. Whatever situation I'm in, I'm aaaalways worried about the end result. I get so anxious wondering what's going to happen, that I don't enjoy what's currently happening! I'm a serious freak. It's so unfortunate too, because if things turn out bad, I haven't been able to enjoy the good parts because I've been waiting for the end. And even if things turn out good, I haven't been able to enjoy it because I've been so stressed about it!

So basically what I'm saying is that I need to learn how to relax and enjoy the ride.

ps. this picture has nothing to do with my post. Just me and Court at her bridal shower. xo

Little Things

I was at work yesterday and one of the girls, who I never thought liked me all that much, overheard me telling someone I don't have a boyfriend. She chimed in from her bedroom and said, "Claire I'm surprised you don't have a boyfriend. I'm surprised nobody's chosen you yet...I think you'll get one soon."
Okay first, I haven't chosen anyone either thank you very much.
But second, it was such a sweet moment! Coming from this girl who I struggle to have a relationship with and who always seems to not give a rats @$$ about me- it melted my stone cold heart.

Californ-I-A

Last weekend Court and I went on a last minute SURPRISE (shocker) trip to California! Jana was having her baby shower, and what kind of best friends would we be if we missed her first baby shower for her first born son! Oh, wait a second...
Anyways it was a great, much needed, too short, but re-feuling trip.
I loved every second of it.

I can't even describe how much I LOVE these babies. OH my goodness they are the cutest, most fun, adorable, funny, annoying humans and I miss them SO much when I'm gone.

Dorothy definitely got it right when she said "there's no place like home". I love it. From my bed, to the carpet, to the pool, to my parents, to the tv,to the weather, to my sisters, to target right next door, to xtreme yogurt, everything about it. How I wish I could combine my life in Provo with my family/house. That would be perfecto.

Anyways, it was a perfect trip home-maybe a little short, but definitely worth it. I was able to be with people I love and who love me back and was able to focus only on the happy things in my life and be surrounded by the things I love most. I got a lot of questions answered and a lot of feelings out and I feel a bit re-vamped if I'm being honest.

Now only 20 days left until I'm home again!

Can't wait.

Diary Post #25

Why is it that we go days or weeks or months staring at our phones and every sound it makes our heart drops because maybe it's that call/text/email (ya, I have a smart phone) that we've been hoping for..and then finally when we forget about it or give up on it we finally get what we've been dying for and it catches us completely off guard because you really forgot to hope for it?

It's the worst..and I guess the best, too.

Anyways, today I got a text that I had been half hoping for, half dreading, but forgot to think about-so I was caught completely off guard.

I've been hoping for it because I wanted the comfort it would bring, and also probably for some selfish reasons I won't give claim to.

I've been dreading it because I was afraid it would open wounds that aren't even closed yet, and I do my very best to ignore.

Well, let me just say that I truly believe it was inspired. A week ago I would have not taken it well-it would have only added to my misery and sent me into hysterics. But today, it was well received. My heart did drop, and then pounded throughout the 100x I read and re-read it, but no tears were shed (yet, hehe). It was the perfect words for me to hear today. And instead of making me feel worse, it gave me strength. Yes, I feel sick to my stomach right now because I'm obviously thinking about it-but I also know that I will able to go back to those kind, sweet words and draw strength from them.

From my point of view I can see how perfect the timing was.

Coincidence? I think not.

Also, can I take a second to say that I am fully aware of how debbie-downer by posts are lately. So if it's getting too diary/depressing/boring/you get uncomfortable reading/etc. for you, then by all means-go to....
Hehe. Just kidding.

I know I'll probably look back on my blog one day and regret saying some of these things, but for right now-and I mean RIGHT NOW as in 1 in the morning- I can't sleep because all these thoughts are swimming around in my mind and the only way to shut them up is to put them to words. And since I'm too lazy to write it all in my journal (hand cramps to the max), this is the next best thing.

So just know that I'm not that weirdo who posts super awkward, personal things and doesn't realize it...I'm that weirdo who posts super awkward, personal things and DOES realize it..and doesn't do anything about it.

I think I know which is worse.

Damn.

ANYWAYS. On a more positive note. Check out these cuties I got to spend all day with:

Ahhhh.

(that's the sigh of relief from the voices in my head being gone now..and sleep on it's way)

These Are A Few of My Favorite Things

So yesterday after my horse back riding incident, I decided that I need to stop doing things I know I don't like.  There are activities that I seriously wish I enjoyed, because it would make me a lot cooler.  For instance:
-I wish I liked jumping off cliffs/rope swings/etc.  Yes I've been skydiving and bungy jumping, but jumping off heights with nothing attached to me is one step too far.  Last summer I went with some friends to the Mona rope swing.  There's two levels: scary and scarier.  It took a lot of courage for me to even go off the short level.  So why, why, did I let everyone convince me to go off the top jump?  Oh, because I WISH I wasn't scared, and was tough and brave.  Well, I jumped.  I also got scared, closed my eyes, didn't hold on tight enough, went limp and skidded/whip lashed across the lake until the force of the water ripped the rope out of my hands.  Oh yeah, I bet I looked real tough.
-I wish I liked horse back riding.  (See previous post on why I don't)  I think the idea of horse back riding is so fun, romantic, relaxing, etc. so I wish I enjoyed it.  I want to so badly.  I just can't.
-I wish I liked mountain biking.  Last summer a couple friends and I went to Moab to camp and ride on the famous slick rock bike trail.  The night we get there we decided to go on the practice loop.  Well, about 3/4 of the way through I learned my bike is not a mountain bike.  Hence why I was bouncing so high on every single bump.  Why it was KILLING my legs to get up these stupid hills.  And why going down the hills I felt like I was going to tip over.  It was not fun, not at all.  But I really wish I enjoyed that kind of thing.  Even with the correct bike I didn't love it.  I mean leisure bike riding is one of my favorite things to do, but this intense bike riding was just way too scary for me. 
-I wish I liked snowboarding.  I enjoy going down the hill, very slowly, no fancy work, no tricks, no nothing at all.  Then I like sitting and resting for a while before I go down again.  I wish I was courageous and wanted to try jumps and rails and all that stuff-but again, it doesn't even sound fun to me because all I can imagine is breaking something-and it's just not worth it to me.

So I decided I need to just accept the fact that extreme sports are not my forte.  I'm not a fearless person.  Maybe I'm a little too cautious, but that's just how it's going to be.  I need to accept the fact that my favorite things to do are probably 95% the same as my Grandmothers'.  They include:
-reading
-knitting
-watching my shows
-playing games
-doing puzzles
-running
-going to the beach/pool but mostly just relaxing
-hiking
-travelling
-leisure biking

Yeah, I sound SUPER boring.  But I won't be so boring when all your other friends are in the hospital with broken limbs.  Then you'll all be BEGGING me to do a puzzle with you.

Oh, and here's another one of my favorite things:

Rocky.

So today I learned (more like reinforced what I already knew) that I seriously do not like horse back riding. My work has horses so a few friends and I had the horse lady take us on a trail ride since the weather today was BEAUtiful. Well, I got Rocky. No pun intended. That's the horses name. He was a little bastard. Kept trying to be first. Kept starting to run. Kept jerking around when I would try and stop him from running. He was just mean. So Heather and I traded since she thought she could handle him (she thinks she's a real cowgirl) and since she had the nicest/laziest horse, Pepper. Well, jokes on me. Pepper started acting out with me too! She kept trying to run. Oh all of a sudden her lazy ass decides to move? No. Then I try and slow her down and she freaks out and starts headbutting. She hit my sunglasses, that's how close she got to me. So at that point I decide it's time I walk my horse. My legs are shaking because I'm so scared. My arms are tired because I keep having to stop the horse. And I'm just terrified. So I walk. Buuuuut then Pepper keeps PUSHING me into the bushes. Literally. The trail is small and surrounded by brush and the damn horse just keeps pushing me aside so she has the whole trail. Don't worry, I fought back. I took control real quick and kept pushing her out of my way. I acted tough but inside I was so scared. I mean this horse is HUGE. She could have gave a slight kicked and sent me flying. Or broken my body. Or taken a limb.

So, needless to say I won't be horse back riding any time soon.

Commitment

I've learned recently that I have major commitment issues. It's an unfortunate issue to have, because life takes commitment. A lot of it. So when commiting to, anything really, freaks you out-well, I'm the result.
I started noticing my issue just recently through a series of events in my life, and looking back over the past couple of years I can definitely see how it's affected me and my decisions.
First of all I see a track record of me moving around a lot. Living in Utah for the past year is the longest I've stayed living somewhere since 2007. Working at 24 Hour for 11 months is the longest job I've held..ever. The longest relationship I had lasted a little over a year and a half...plus 2 years if you want to count that-which we don't. I don't know why, but feeling commited and tied down to something freaks me out, gives me anxiety, makes me talk myself out of it, etc. It's a mess. And it really sucks because sometimes the things I can't commit to are great things, but I just mess it up for myself. And I don't know how to fix it.
About a year into Brandons' mission I wrote him and basically said we can't write all that often anymore because I didn't want to feel like we were still in a relationship. Now let me explain. At the time I was feeling a lot of pressure and I felt like if I was writing to him consistently I couldn't date other people (which I didn't anyways) and like I was promising things (which I wasn't) I'm a serious spaz. So basically I felt commited, and it freaked me out. So instead of being a normal person and just letting things pan out, I freaked out and do what I do best-try and control everything. In this case I told him I needed space. Here's where it gets twisted though: after I wrote that letter I felt completely better. Once I had said I don't want to write, and I wasn't commited anymore, I was totally fine writing. It became fun again and I wanted to do it-because I didn't have to. But guess what? It doesn't work that way. I can't just half-ass everything in my life and expect things to work out. I can't just not commit to anything but then expect things to commit to me for when I'm ready. Because, well, clearly that situation back fired in a big way.
Example number two: I have this job that I just started. My schedule is M W F 3-11 PM. Well, the commitment hit me and I had an anxiety attack on Monday and half-quit my job. I started thinking, like I always do, about way too far into the future and freaked myself out. Here's my thought process: "I have to work EVERY M W F night. What if I want to do something one night? What if nobody takes my shifts and I miss Courtney's wedding? (In MAY, mind you) What if I have a vacation to go on and can't get work off? What if, in SEPTEMBER, something changes and I can't work those days anymore?...ya, I better just quit now." I'm a freak. So I talked to my supervisor and told her I couldn't handle things right now and I need to go on-call (which means I get to pick up shifts as they come available, and I don't have to be commited to anything..perfect) She was seriously great and we chatted and I told her about a lot of things going on in my life and why I'm feeling overwhelmed. She was so understanding and basically told me to just take some time and figure out what I need, and she'll be willing to work with whatever it is I decide. Angel. Enter twisted part: once I told her I wanted off my shift and basically had an out, I didn't want to quit anymore.
It's come to a point where anything I do I need an escape route. Once I've set up that route, I'm totally fine.
Seriously, what happened to me in my adolescence to make me this way?
I honestly want to see a therapist.
They're so damn expensive though.
Also, everything I do comes with me imagining the 200 steps to come afterward. I'll think a boy is cute. Then I imagine us talking, hanging out, going on a date, him liking me, me liking him, becoming official, things ending....anxiety attack....so I stop liking the boy. I play it all out in my mind and then think of the reasons why I actually don't like this boy-and convince myself of it. (I can be very convincing)
I can never just do something without thinking of alllllllllllllll the reasons why I shouldn't do it.
And I can never commit to something because I think of alllllllllllll the reasons why I might not want to. All these hypothetical situations, that more times than not don't happen anyways, that might come about to make me regret making said commitment.
It's ridiculous. I'm aware it's ridiculous and yet I continue to do it. Because otherwise I get anxiety. I hate buying flights, because they're non-refundable and WHAT IF I need to change it? I hate saying "yes" to plans too far in advance, because WHAT IF something else comes up? I hate the idea of dating someone, because WHAT IF something goes bad? Or WHAT IF it goes well...then we get into the realm of: where would we live? what if I'm in the middle of a housing contract? what if my family doesn't like him? what if I change my mind? what if he changes his mind? what if I have to quit my job and someone gets mad at me? what if I need two jobs and we never have time to see each other?
See how exhausting it is to be me?
But I'm also aware that I can't just go the rest of my life not commiting to anything and setting up escape routes for all I do. So my solution is......................undecided.



I legitimately don't know how I was part of the 2/3 in heaven that chose to come to earth with all this "free agency" crap. Because honestly, the idea of someone telling me what to do and not having to make any of my own decisions sounds AMAZING.

Someone Shoot Me

I woke up on Monday morning with body aches/headache/fever/chills like no other. I stayed in bed until 1PM, but then life must go on-I had work.
Tuesday-rinse and repeat.
Wednesday-rinse and repeat.
It's now the end of day 3 and seriously if I don't wake up feeling better tomorrow I might kill someone. I have all the symptoms of the stomach flu, except no throwing up. So which is better? Having the stomach flu and puking every hour, but being over with it all in 24 hours? Or not throwing up, but having the rest of these awful symptoms for 3+ days.
Oh I know, how about I don't get sick every other day like a normal person. That'd be nice.
If I were at home right now I'd cry and make my dad take care of me. And he would, expertly.
He'd know what kind of puffs with lotion tissues I like.
He'd know what kind of tea I want.
He'd know what food I want for dinner.
But guess what? I'm 10 hours away from home.
Oh the joys of growing up.
I guess Laura will have to do.

Courtney Brooke

Happy Birthday Beautiful!!! (it's a song)
Okay so Sunday was Court's 22nd birthday, holla!
I want to name 22 reasons why I love her:
1. We wear the same size (yes, I can fit into her clothes-whatever if they're a little tight)
2. She chose Anders to marry, instead of a tool
3. She can read my mind so I don't have to say rude things out loud
4. She has an iPhone now so we can FaceTime
5. She's got her $h!7 together and is very reliable
6. She shows me how to be more independent
7. She has a hot bod (actually I hate her for this, but whatever)
8. She gives a great massage
9. Cory. Hehe
10. BP
11. We sleep together in a twin bed...and it's not weird
12. Her ability to adapt to change
13. She marches to the beat of her own drum (I prefer people to march to the beat of my drum, but okay)
14. Her mom
15. She's always there if I need her
16. We spent 3 weeks straight together and didn't kill each other
17. I always can count on her for whatever crazy thing I want to do
18. She understands my anxiety, stress levels, sleep patterns, etc. Basically she knows my body
19. She gets all my jokes
20. She makes me be a better person just by her example
21. She knows everything about me so nothing requires a back story-which seriously saves time
22. She's my best friend...don't freak out Jana you are too.

Happy Birthday Court. Love ya babe.

Chad

For those of you who are fortunate enough to not know Chad (hehe, just keeding) he's my best friend. He's super obnoxious, huge, obnoxious, sweet, funny, obnoxious, tall, heavy, and obnoxious. But we've grown up together, so it's one of those "we have to be friends cause our families are so close" kinda deals. Kidding, again. But really, I love this kid. Like, literally I used to be in love with him. From ages 5 until about 12 (when I got smart), I was legitimately obsessed with Chaddy. I have journal entries to prove it.

ANYWAYS, last year for his birthday I took a picture of us from our family Christmas party and turned it into a puzzle. Mostly because doing puzzles is our favorite past time...we used to do them allll the time. Also because it's just funny. Here's the end result:

Let me just add that his friends (girls) thought this puzzle was "creepy". Dumb. That's the point/I hate when people don't understand our relationship.

Okay, so the next year on his birthday, this past January, I wanted to top the puzzle. So I decide I want to make a t-shirt. At our most recent family Christmas party we did a sort of re-enactment of our previous photo, so I wanted to use it. However, this year is a little different because Chad has a girlfriend. I hadn't met her yet so I didn't want to send him this shirt with a photo of us on it and have her get mad, because I admit that I might get a bit jealous had our roles been reversed. So I choose a picture that nobody in their right mind could get jealous over. Here it is:

Yup. I look a bit challenged, and Chad looks like he's trying to poop. Which, honestly, he probably is.

Oh, in case you were wondering...the shirt fits.
DON'T ask me why he's not wearing pants. And yes, one of his roommates clearly took this picture..while he was sans-pants.

Remember when I said how obnoxious he is?

I Cut My Bangs With Some Rusty Kitchen Scissors

Just kidding, that's a Miranda Lambert song.

I did get my bangs cut though, only I went to a salon.

Here's a pic. This is my "this is super awkward taking a picture of myself" face

Oh, the best part? I DIDN'T EVEN CRY! For those of you who don't know, I have major anxiety about changing my hair. Usually after any type of change to my hair (or my life, really) I cry and wear it in a ponytail for a week. But I actually really like my hair thus far.

My Eyes Hurt

So I had a bit of a breakdown today. I called my mom and we talked for some time about the hardships I'm going through right now and I just bawled and bawled. This is how my life goes: I bottle things up, hold them in, ignore as much as I can...then I call my mom and everything gets undone and I just cry. Then (usually, hopefully) the next day I feel better and I breathe easier.
So my mom and I chatted, well mostly she told me about an experience she had a couple weeks ago, and I just cried.
It's amazing to me how my mom can make me feel better about myself, and about my whole life. She tells me how strong I am, how much she admires my life. Today I told her that I can't stop thinking "What am I doing wrong?" She told me that's the worst thing to think. She told me this pain and heartache I'm going through right now is all for a reason. She says she doesn't know what the reason is, but she assured me that I would come out better and that it's not a result of me making a mistake; it's just part of the plan. She promises me that great things are in store for me and I just need to hang on, and keep going.
Now, I have to admit that it's VERY very hard for me to believe these things. It's so hard for me to think this is how things are supposed to be. It's near impossible to believe that something great will happen, because right now all I can think is that I'm afraid this feeling will never go away. But the great thing is that my mom is always right. (Don't tell her I said this) If I've learned anything in the past 22 years it's that I can always trust my mom. She is there for me every single time I have a meltdown, every single time I need to cry, and it's her words that give me strength.
It's interesting how you don't realize how big a part of you someone is until they are gone. You don't realize until all of your stories and memories consist of them. Until whenever they cross your mind you feel sick, and like you got punched in the stomach. Until you have to replace your feelings of love with feelings of bitterness and anger because it's too hard to forgive. Until you have to FILL your days completely because any free time is just so detrimental to the progress you've made. Until literally every song feels like it was written about you (So cliche, I know)
My mom reminded me today that I am a very proud person. It's hard for me to admit weakness. So I especially don't realize these types of things until they happen, and I'm hit with the reality of how I really felt. And that reality hits like a train going full speed.
But every cloud has a silver lining, right? Here's the lining: after the talk with my mom I went and ran 6 miles. Stress run. Now it didn't actually make me feel better, which is weird because usually it does. I kept tearing up during the run. I teared up during The Bachelor (no, not because of how awful it is) and I've been crying while writing this whole damn post. BUT the run itself was great and the exercise felt good.
Oh, and another good thing to lighten the mood of this super depressing post is that I have 3 packages coming my way in the mail! Oh yeah, my shopping post? Didn't stop there. Whoops. My Urban Outfitters purchase is still on it's way, I just bought a new case for my phone, and last night I ordered a pair of jeans from Gap. But I know that nobody's going to judge me for my shopping issues after reading this post. Suckers, that's why I led with the sad stuff.
Now if anyone feels so inclined to send me presents to cheer me up, I'll be happy to send you my address.

Uh-Oh

I shopped.

And if you remember from this post (I wish I knew how to make "this" connect to that certain post, but I don't) called "Shopaholic", I have a problem. Basically once I start, I can't stop. It just snowballs and I get a little bit out of control.
This relapse started yesterday. Let me preface by saying that I have been working like a mad woman lately. Seriously going straight from one job to the next, Monday-Saturday, sometimes Sunday. So even though I relapsed, it's kind of okay because I deserve it-right? And because I'm single and have no one to support-right? And because I'm a sad depressed soul and shopping makes me happy. Hehe, okay that's an exaggeration, but still.
Anyways, it all started because I let my guard down. I took the evening off work yesterday. Bad news. I should know by now that when I have free time, I get into trouble. I think "hmm, I've been busy and I finally have a spare second so I'm just gonna go to the mall real quick and buy something". So I went to the bar. Aka went to the mall.
Started at H&M. In my defense, the cardigan I bought is one I've been looking for.
Next stop, Forever 21. Always bad news. Just bought, and bought, and bought. A sweater, a tank, a pair of socks? random, a skirt (for church, so it's forgiven).
Final stop, Urban Outfitters. Ughhh it was just online and so convenient! And the pants I bought have been in my shopping bag for so long so I just NEEDED to get them. And I was $1.00 short of free shipping so of course I had to add a tank top.
Anyways, judge away. I get it, I have a problem! I just looooove shopping, I love it. And whatever-so my bank account took a hit, my closet got some major revamping.

Valentine's Day

It's the end of Valentine's Day, and I'm feeling very full, for one, but also very satisfied. I was worried that today would be awful and that I'd be miserable the whole day. But on the contrary, I actually had a good day filled with pleasant, sweet surprises from great family and friends.
I woke up and was able to open the present from my dad first thing, like I always did at home. He gave me some great chocolates, licorice, and a beautiful turquoise ring. Now, my mom always says that my dad spoils my sisters and I so much that we'll never be satisfied with a husband (which is sad because 3 of them are married, 1 engaged. Haha) Maybe that's the truth. I have mentioned before that I really want a turquoise ring-before as in years ago. My thoughtful dad remembered that, and found me a ring that I LOVE. He's seriously the best.
I walked outside to my car and on it Anders (Courtney's fiance) had left me a rose with a card he made, wishing me a happy valentine's day. So thoughtful and sweet of him. You know you're best friends with someone when you can share their fiance. Hehe.
I went and picked up the kids I nanny and the mom had left me a Valentine's Day cupcake. Delicious.
I was at my sisters' house when Mike shows up with a box of 3 cupcake for each of us.
I come home and Court and I open our Valentine from her mom and dad, aka my second parents.
I go to babysit for another family and they give me a box of chocolates and a cute Valentine from each of the kids.
I come home to a chocolate covered strawberry edible arrangement from Whitney.
I go downstairs and my roommate Lucy had put together a sort of maze-type thing, where I follow a piece of string with reasons why she loves me attached to it, all the way to the freezer where there's a tub of double fudge brownie ice cream awaiting me. (this girl knows the way to my heart)
And last but not least, Cassie is sending a belated Valentine's gift that I'm sure is going to be delicious..or stale..but either way.

So this holiday is one that we don't have to remember the "true meaning" of. Because the true meaning is to show love to those around you. Throughout the day, whenever I would start to get a little bit down, I swear the next person would shower me with a thoughtful gift, and it just lifted my spirits straight up. I'm so grateful for the family and friends that I have. It's good for me to recognize all the great people I have in my life who love me instead of focusing on the people (or person) who aren't around anymore.

Anyways, it's 2 in the morning and I seriously need to go to bed. Thanks to all the sugar I've eaten today it might take me a while, but I'm going to try.

"Take away love, and our earth is a tomb"

-Robert Browning

iPhone

Well, just call me Hipster.

I jumped on the band wagon and bought myself a good ole iPhone.

I love it for so many reasons: -twitter

-pinterest

-imessage

-instagram

-shazam

-i look so cool

Now let me talk about myself for a little bit.

After almost a year, I am happy to say I QUIT THE GYM! (not working out, just working) I'm so damn excited to not work there anymore. To not see the same old people eeeeeveryday. To not answer the same stupid questions everyday. To not have to stand for hours on end with NOTHING to do. To not have to say I work at a gym. To not get paid minimum wage. And most importantly, to not have to wear that ugly ass red polo shirt ever again.

So I got a new job at a residential treatment center for teenage girls. It's a tough job, especially for a perfectionist like me. I like to always feel confident in everything I do. The learning process is not one I am patient enough to go through gracefully. I hate not knowing what I'm doing. I hate feeling confused or nervous or anxious because I'm unsure of myself. I keep telling myself I need to give it at least 3 months before I can start feeling comfortable at this new job. It's just a lot of pressure, and feeling inadequate does not help my nerves.

I want the girls to like me; to look up to me and respect me and have me as a role model. I want to be able to make a difference and help in their treatment. I want the staff to like me and consider me a good co-worker. I like being the best at things. I like people being able to depend on me and know I can pull my own weight, plus some.

So, needless to say I'm a bag of nerves-but I have high hopes for this job.

I definitely need some change in my life right now. I need distractions. I need to constantly be busy or else I feel myself start to unravel, and this job is surely doing the trick. It keeps me busy and my mind occupied so I don't have room to think about much else.

That's all folks. If you need me, just go ahead and tweet, email, instagram, message, call, facetime, or blog me...and I'll get it instantly to my phone. Hollllllla!

Panic

Tonight I had a full fledged panic attack.
Like mid-conversation. I had just read a text from a friend with some unfortunate information in it, and Courtney calls me. I accidentally answer as I'm trying to text, and she immediately starts babbling about something or other. I'm trying to pay attention but slowly I feel myself losing it to the anxiety. Finally I interrupt her and all hell breaks loose.
I start hyperventilating really badly and can't catch my breath for a good 2 minutes. Meanwhile the waterworks are happening and poor Court is just there, on the other line.
Embarrassing? Yes. But she's seen much worse so it's okay.

One day this story will be funny, right now I'm still embarrassed as I'm about to post it to the worldwide web.
Oh and my nails I just painted just got messed up.
Seriously, Xanex.

Over

January is over?

Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???

Here's my current problem: I think I'm obsessed.

1. I'm obsessed with money. It takes a lot for me to turn down an opportunity to make money, and it literally pains me to do so. Some might say that just means I'm SUPER hard-working, independent, mature, etc., but that's not really how I see it. Because yes, I work a lot and no, I don't have many bills to pay. My mom taught me that money comes and goes, and I shouldn't stress about it. But I can't help it- I stress. Everything I buy I think of in terms of "this is 2,3,4 hours of work..is it worth it?" So even when I do buy something I can't fully enjoy it because I'm thinking of the amount of work I have to do to pay it off. Seriously annoying. I just want to RELAX about it. On top of that, I'm a serious shopaholic, so I basically spend my life wanting, wanting, needing, getting..and then stressing endlessly. Someone give me a Xanex.

2. I'm obsessed with my body...and not in a "oh I'm so hot and ripped I need to stare at myself" kind of way.
Disclaimer: I don't think I'm fat. I don't have an eating disorder. I'm definitely not searching for (or wanting) compliments or assurances.
Let me explain. Kind of in the way I think of my purchases in terms of working hours, I think of things I eat in terms of the time I exercise. Every m&m I eat I think "Ugh this is like 7 football fields' worth of running". Whenever I eat something I usually end up feeling guilty about it, which makes it not worth it x2. (1-the calories, 2-I didn't enjoy it) Also I have a problem comparing myself with other girls. I know this is a huuuuuuuge no-no, but I can't help it! I think "I wonder how often she works out", or "I wonder if she just never eats". Or I'll become resentful and think "Okay I work out WAY more than she does, and yet her body is way nicer than mine". Ya, I know I know. I've heard all the "your body is beautiful, everyone is different, love yourself" blah blah. But that's not easy. I know we (especially women) are more critical of ourselves, and my self-criticism comes in the form of body image. I work at a gym, which definitely doesn't help. Especially in Provo where it seems every girl is in some sort of competition to be the hottest/skinniest girl around. I just see these fit, tiny women coming in all day and I think-what the H are they doing up there?! I work out. I go to the gym and work out and get sore and all that, and yet the results are not the same. It's a struggle for me. And no I'm not about to go throw up my dinner, or turn down frozen yogurt the next time it's offered. I'm just saying, we all have issues.

On a lighter note-I bought a shirt from Urban Outfitters today.

It only cost me $10.

1 hour of babysitting.

Totally worth it.

Tires

Let me tell you a little story about my past few days:
Wednesday night I'm driving back from Park City with Courtney and Anders. We're coming down the canyon at about 11PM and I hear a weird sound coming from my tire. I pull over to inspect. We (and by "we" of course I mean Anders) soon figure out that my tire is so bald that it's now shredding apart and the metal underneath is coming through. What, who knows what bald tires are? So we (again, by "we" I don't mean myself) quickly put on the spare and drive carefully home.

-Sidenote: Wednesday was a random day in which it wasn't snowing or raining on the canyon drive. Lucky for me, or my car would most likely be down in some ditch having spun off the road due to zero, or negative, grip capability.

So I wake up Thursday morning to go pick up my kids (not really mine) from preschool. Aaaaaand enter flat spare tire. Seriously? I frantically call my sister and she shows up 30 seconds later to pick me up (by some "coincidence" she lives around the corner from me). So I (and by "I" I don't mean myself-except the money part unfortunately) spend the day pumping up my spare tire, researching the cheapest tires around, and finally spending $512.13 on 4 brand spankin' new tires. What the hell. Apparently my back tires weren't lookin' so hot either. Seriously, who knows what bald tires look like? But fine, tires are an investment and I needed them so I bit the bullet.

Friday comes and goes with no real incidents, thank goodness. (Actually it is worth mentioning that on Friday I went to Victoria's Secret and it was revealed to me that I measure at a 32B. Say WHAAAAAT? The itty-bitty-titty-committe has one less member)

Saturday I wake up and drive to my sister's house. On the way there some boy stops me and tells me that my back tire is flat. Excuse me? The tire I just spend $500 is flat? Yes, that's the one. So I get to Laura's house and sure enough, flat. I decide that I'm a grown adult and can figure out how to use the air compressor without help. (Also because Mike is at work so I had no choice) So I figure out how to use it, figure out how much air to put in the tire, and complete my task feeling very proud of myself. As I'm going to take the compressor off my tire, all hell breaks loose. I somehow manage to break the valve off my tire and all the air quickly escapes and leaves my tire (and myself) completely deflated. So I do what any grown adult would do...
I start crying and call my dad.
In the end all is well. I was able to get a friend to come put my (semi) flat spare BACK on and I drove back to Discount Tires and they fixed me up nice and new fo' FREE.

The moral of this story is that things are easier when you live at home where your dad can do things for you.

sidenote-just sent my dad a birthday card that goes like this:
"Dad, I may not know how to plunge a toilet or tinker under the hood of my car. But there is one thing you taught me that I'll never forget..(open card)
To ask you to do it for me."

Ain't that the truth.