My Eyes Hurt

So I had a bit of a breakdown today. I called my mom and we talked for some time about the hardships I'm going through right now and I just bawled and bawled. This is how my life goes: I bottle things up, hold them in, ignore as much as I can...then I call my mom and everything gets undone and I just cry. Then (usually, hopefully) the next day I feel better and I breathe easier.
So my mom and I chatted, well mostly she told me about an experience she had a couple weeks ago, and I just cried.
It's amazing to me how my mom can make me feel better about myself, and about my whole life. She tells me how strong I am, how much she admires my life. Today I told her that I can't stop thinking "What am I doing wrong?" She told me that's the worst thing to think. She told me this pain and heartache I'm going through right now is all for a reason. She says she doesn't know what the reason is, but she assured me that I would come out better and that it's not a result of me making a mistake; it's just part of the plan. She promises me that great things are in store for me and I just need to hang on, and keep going.
Now, I have to admit that it's VERY very hard for me to believe these things. It's so hard for me to think this is how things are supposed to be. It's near impossible to believe that something great will happen, because right now all I can think is that I'm afraid this feeling will never go away. But the great thing is that my mom is always right. (Don't tell her I said this) If I've learned anything in the past 22 years it's that I can always trust my mom. She is there for me every single time I have a meltdown, every single time I need to cry, and it's her words that give me strength.
It's interesting how you don't realize how big a part of you someone is until they are gone. You don't realize until all of your stories and memories consist of them. Until whenever they cross your mind you feel sick, and like you got punched in the stomach. Until you have to replace your feelings of love with feelings of bitterness and anger because it's too hard to forgive. Until you have to FILL your days completely because any free time is just so detrimental to the progress you've made. Until literally every song feels like it was written about you (So cliche, I know)
My mom reminded me today that I am a very proud person. It's hard for me to admit weakness. So I especially don't realize these types of things until they happen, and I'm hit with the reality of how I really felt. And that reality hits like a train going full speed.
But every cloud has a silver lining, right? Here's the lining: after the talk with my mom I went and ran 6 miles. Stress run. Now it didn't actually make me feel better, which is weird because usually it does. I kept tearing up during the run. I teared up during The Bachelor (no, not because of how awful it is) and I've been crying while writing this whole damn post. BUT the run itself was great and the exercise felt good.
Oh, and another good thing to lighten the mood of this super depressing post is that I have 3 packages coming my way in the mail! Oh yeah, my shopping post? Didn't stop there. Whoops. My Urban Outfitters purchase is still on it's way, I just bought a new case for my phone, and last night I ordered a pair of jeans from Gap. But I know that nobody's going to judge me for my shopping issues after reading this post. Suckers, that's why I led with the sad stuff.
Now if anyone feels so inclined to send me presents to cheer me up, I'll be happy to send you my address.