Someone Shoot Me

I woke up on Monday morning with body aches/headache/fever/chills like no other. I stayed in bed until 1PM, but then life must go on-I had work.
Tuesday-rinse and repeat.
Wednesday-rinse and repeat.
It's now the end of day 3 and seriously if I don't wake up feeling better tomorrow I might kill someone. I have all the symptoms of the stomach flu, except no throwing up. So which is better? Having the stomach flu and puking every hour, but being over with it all in 24 hours? Or not throwing up, but having the rest of these awful symptoms for 3+ days.
Oh I know, how about I don't get sick every other day like a normal person. That'd be nice.
If I were at home right now I'd cry and make my dad take care of me. And he would, expertly.
He'd know what kind of puffs with lotion tissues I like.
He'd know what kind of tea I want.
He'd know what food I want for dinner.
But guess what? I'm 10 hours away from home.
Oh the joys of growing up.
I guess Laura will have to do.

Courtney Brooke

Happy Birthday Beautiful!!! (it's a song)
Okay so Sunday was Court's 22nd birthday, holla!
I want to name 22 reasons why I love her:
1. We wear the same size (yes, I can fit into her clothes-whatever if they're a little tight)
2. She chose Anders to marry, instead of a tool
3. She can read my mind so I don't have to say rude things out loud
4. She has an iPhone now so we can FaceTime
5. She's got her $h!7 together and is very reliable
6. She shows me how to be more independent
7. She has a hot bod (actually I hate her for this, but whatever)
8. She gives a great massage
9. Cory. Hehe
10. BP
11. We sleep together in a twin bed...and it's not weird
12. Her ability to adapt to change
13. She marches to the beat of her own drum (I prefer people to march to the beat of my drum, but okay)
14. Her mom
15. She's always there if I need her
16. We spent 3 weeks straight together and didn't kill each other
17. I always can count on her for whatever crazy thing I want to do
18. She understands my anxiety, stress levels, sleep patterns, etc. Basically she knows my body
19. She gets all my jokes
20. She makes me be a better person just by her example
21. She knows everything about me so nothing requires a back story-which seriously saves time
22. She's my best friend...don't freak out Jana you are too.

Happy Birthday Court. Love ya babe.

Chad

For those of you who are fortunate enough to not know Chad (hehe, just keeding) he's my best friend. He's super obnoxious, huge, obnoxious, sweet, funny, obnoxious, tall, heavy, and obnoxious. But we've grown up together, so it's one of those "we have to be friends cause our families are so close" kinda deals. Kidding, again. But really, I love this kid. Like, literally I used to be in love with him. From ages 5 until about 12 (when I got smart), I was legitimately obsessed with Chaddy. I have journal entries to prove it.

ANYWAYS, last year for his birthday I took a picture of us from our family Christmas party and turned it into a puzzle. Mostly because doing puzzles is our favorite past time...we used to do them allll the time. Also because it's just funny. Here's the end result:

Let me just add that his friends (girls) thought this puzzle was "creepy". Dumb. That's the point/I hate when people don't understand our relationship.

Okay, so the next year on his birthday, this past January, I wanted to top the puzzle. So I decide I want to make a t-shirt. At our most recent family Christmas party we did a sort of re-enactment of our previous photo, so I wanted to use it. However, this year is a little different because Chad has a girlfriend. I hadn't met her yet so I didn't want to send him this shirt with a photo of us on it and have her get mad, because I admit that I might get a bit jealous had our roles been reversed. So I choose a picture that nobody in their right mind could get jealous over. Here it is:

Yup. I look a bit challenged, and Chad looks like he's trying to poop. Which, honestly, he probably is.

Oh, in case you were wondering...the shirt fits.
DON'T ask me why he's not wearing pants. And yes, one of his roommates clearly took this picture..while he was sans-pants.

Remember when I said how obnoxious he is?

I Cut My Bangs With Some Rusty Kitchen Scissors

Just kidding, that's a Miranda Lambert song.

I did get my bangs cut though, only I went to a salon.

Here's a pic. This is my "this is super awkward taking a picture of myself" face

Oh, the best part? I DIDN'T EVEN CRY! For those of you who don't know, I have major anxiety about changing my hair. Usually after any type of change to my hair (or my life, really) I cry and wear it in a ponytail for a week. But I actually really like my hair thus far.

My Eyes Hurt

So I had a bit of a breakdown today. I called my mom and we talked for some time about the hardships I'm going through right now and I just bawled and bawled. This is how my life goes: I bottle things up, hold them in, ignore as much as I can...then I call my mom and everything gets undone and I just cry. Then (usually, hopefully) the next day I feel better and I breathe easier.
So my mom and I chatted, well mostly she told me about an experience she had a couple weeks ago, and I just cried.
It's amazing to me how my mom can make me feel better about myself, and about my whole life. She tells me how strong I am, how much she admires my life. Today I told her that I can't stop thinking "What am I doing wrong?" She told me that's the worst thing to think. She told me this pain and heartache I'm going through right now is all for a reason. She says she doesn't know what the reason is, but she assured me that I would come out better and that it's not a result of me making a mistake; it's just part of the plan. She promises me that great things are in store for me and I just need to hang on, and keep going.
Now, I have to admit that it's VERY very hard for me to believe these things. It's so hard for me to think this is how things are supposed to be. It's near impossible to believe that something great will happen, because right now all I can think is that I'm afraid this feeling will never go away. But the great thing is that my mom is always right. (Don't tell her I said this) If I've learned anything in the past 22 years it's that I can always trust my mom. She is there for me every single time I have a meltdown, every single time I need to cry, and it's her words that give me strength.
It's interesting how you don't realize how big a part of you someone is until they are gone. You don't realize until all of your stories and memories consist of them. Until whenever they cross your mind you feel sick, and like you got punched in the stomach. Until you have to replace your feelings of love with feelings of bitterness and anger because it's too hard to forgive. Until you have to FILL your days completely because any free time is just so detrimental to the progress you've made. Until literally every song feels like it was written about you (So cliche, I know)
My mom reminded me today that I am a very proud person. It's hard for me to admit weakness. So I especially don't realize these types of things until they happen, and I'm hit with the reality of how I really felt. And that reality hits like a train going full speed.
But every cloud has a silver lining, right? Here's the lining: after the talk with my mom I went and ran 6 miles. Stress run. Now it didn't actually make me feel better, which is weird because usually it does. I kept tearing up during the run. I teared up during The Bachelor (no, not because of how awful it is) and I've been crying while writing this whole damn post. BUT the run itself was great and the exercise felt good.
Oh, and another good thing to lighten the mood of this super depressing post is that I have 3 packages coming my way in the mail! Oh yeah, my shopping post? Didn't stop there. Whoops. My Urban Outfitters purchase is still on it's way, I just bought a new case for my phone, and last night I ordered a pair of jeans from Gap. But I know that nobody's going to judge me for my shopping issues after reading this post. Suckers, that's why I led with the sad stuff.
Now if anyone feels so inclined to send me presents to cheer me up, I'll be happy to send you my address.

Uh-Oh

I shopped.

And if you remember from this post (I wish I knew how to make "this" connect to that certain post, but I don't) called "Shopaholic", I have a problem. Basically once I start, I can't stop. It just snowballs and I get a little bit out of control.
This relapse started yesterday. Let me preface by saying that I have been working like a mad woman lately. Seriously going straight from one job to the next, Monday-Saturday, sometimes Sunday. So even though I relapsed, it's kind of okay because I deserve it-right? And because I'm single and have no one to support-right? And because I'm a sad depressed soul and shopping makes me happy. Hehe, okay that's an exaggeration, but still.
Anyways, it all started because I let my guard down. I took the evening off work yesterday. Bad news. I should know by now that when I have free time, I get into trouble. I think "hmm, I've been busy and I finally have a spare second so I'm just gonna go to the mall real quick and buy something". So I went to the bar. Aka went to the mall.
Started at H&M. In my defense, the cardigan I bought is one I've been looking for.
Next stop, Forever 21. Always bad news. Just bought, and bought, and bought. A sweater, a tank, a pair of socks? random, a skirt (for church, so it's forgiven).
Final stop, Urban Outfitters. Ughhh it was just online and so convenient! And the pants I bought have been in my shopping bag for so long so I just NEEDED to get them. And I was $1.00 short of free shipping so of course I had to add a tank top.
Anyways, judge away. I get it, I have a problem! I just looooove shopping, I love it. And whatever-so my bank account took a hit, my closet got some major revamping.

Valentine's Day

It's the end of Valentine's Day, and I'm feeling very full, for one, but also very satisfied. I was worried that today would be awful and that I'd be miserable the whole day. But on the contrary, I actually had a good day filled with pleasant, sweet surprises from great family and friends.
I woke up and was able to open the present from my dad first thing, like I always did at home. He gave me some great chocolates, licorice, and a beautiful turquoise ring. Now, my mom always says that my dad spoils my sisters and I so much that we'll never be satisfied with a husband (which is sad because 3 of them are married, 1 engaged. Haha) Maybe that's the truth. I have mentioned before that I really want a turquoise ring-before as in years ago. My thoughtful dad remembered that, and found me a ring that I LOVE. He's seriously the best.
I walked outside to my car and on it Anders (Courtney's fiance) had left me a rose with a card he made, wishing me a happy valentine's day. So thoughtful and sweet of him. You know you're best friends with someone when you can share their fiance. Hehe.
I went and picked up the kids I nanny and the mom had left me a Valentine's Day cupcake. Delicious.
I was at my sisters' house when Mike shows up with a box of 3 cupcake for each of us.
I come home and Court and I open our Valentine from her mom and dad, aka my second parents.
I go to babysit for another family and they give me a box of chocolates and a cute Valentine from each of the kids.
I come home to a chocolate covered strawberry edible arrangement from Whitney.
I go downstairs and my roommate Lucy had put together a sort of maze-type thing, where I follow a piece of string with reasons why she loves me attached to it, all the way to the freezer where there's a tub of double fudge brownie ice cream awaiting me. (this girl knows the way to my heart)
And last but not least, Cassie is sending a belated Valentine's gift that I'm sure is going to be delicious..or stale..but either way.

So this holiday is one that we don't have to remember the "true meaning" of. Because the true meaning is to show love to those around you. Throughout the day, whenever I would start to get a little bit down, I swear the next person would shower me with a thoughtful gift, and it just lifted my spirits straight up. I'm so grateful for the family and friends that I have. It's good for me to recognize all the great people I have in my life who love me instead of focusing on the people (or person) who aren't around anymore.

Anyways, it's 2 in the morning and I seriously need to go to bed. Thanks to all the sugar I've eaten today it might take me a while, but I'm going to try.

"Take away love, and our earth is a tomb"

-Robert Browning

iPhone

Well, just call me Hipster.

I jumped on the band wagon and bought myself a good ole iPhone.

I love it for so many reasons: -twitter

-pinterest

-imessage

-instagram

-shazam

-i look so cool

Now let me talk about myself for a little bit.

After almost a year, I am happy to say I QUIT THE GYM! (not working out, just working) I'm so damn excited to not work there anymore. To not see the same old people eeeeeveryday. To not answer the same stupid questions everyday. To not have to stand for hours on end with NOTHING to do. To not have to say I work at a gym. To not get paid minimum wage. And most importantly, to not have to wear that ugly ass red polo shirt ever again.

So I got a new job at a residential treatment center for teenage girls. It's a tough job, especially for a perfectionist like me. I like to always feel confident in everything I do. The learning process is not one I am patient enough to go through gracefully. I hate not knowing what I'm doing. I hate feeling confused or nervous or anxious because I'm unsure of myself. I keep telling myself I need to give it at least 3 months before I can start feeling comfortable at this new job. It's just a lot of pressure, and feeling inadequate does not help my nerves.

I want the girls to like me; to look up to me and respect me and have me as a role model. I want to be able to make a difference and help in their treatment. I want the staff to like me and consider me a good co-worker. I like being the best at things. I like people being able to depend on me and know I can pull my own weight, plus some.

So, needless to say I'm a bag of nerves-but I have high hopes for this job.

I definitely need some change in my life right now. I need distractions. I need to constantly be busy or else I feel myself start to unravel, and this job is surely doing the trick. It keeps me busy and my mind occupied so I don't have room to think about much else.

That's all folks. If you need me, just go ahead and tweet, email, instagram, message, call, facetime, or blog me...and I'll get it instantly to my phone. Hollllllla!

Panic

Tonight I had a full fledged panic attack.
Like mid-conversation. I had just read a text from a friend with some unfortunate information in it, and Courtney calls me. I accidentally answer as I'm trying to text, and she immediately starts babbling about something or other. I'm trying to pay attention but slowly I feel myself losing it to the anxiety. Finally I interrupt her and all hell breaks loose.
I start hyperventilating really badly and can't catch my breath for a good 2 minutes. Meanwhile the waterworks are happening and poor Court is just there, on the other line.
Embarrassing? Yes. But she's seen much worse so it's okay.

One day this story will be funny, right now I'm still embarrassed as I'm about to post it to the worldwide web.
Oh and my nails I just painted just got messed up.
Seriously, Xanex.