Commitment

I've learned recently that I have major commitment issues. It's an unfortunate issue to have, because life takes commitment. A lot of it. So when commiting to, anything really, freaks you out-well, I'm the result.
I started noticing my issue just recently through a series of events in my life, and looking back over the past couple of years I can definitely see how it's affected me and my decisions.
First of all I see a track record of me moving around a lot. Living in Utah for the past year is the longest I've stayed living somewhere since 2007. Working at 24 Hour for 11 months is the longest job I've held..ever. The longest relationship I had lasted a little over a year and a half...plus 2 years if you want to count that-which we don't. I don't know why, but feeling commited and tied down to something freaks me out, gives me anxiety, makes me talk myself out of it, etc. It's a mess. And it really sucks because sometimes the things I can't commit to are great things, but I just mess it up for myself. And I don't know how to fix it.
About a year into Brandons' mission I wrote him and basically said we can't write all that often anymore because I didn't want to feel like we were still in a relationship. Now let me explain. At the time I was feeling a lot of pressure and I felt like if I was writing to him consistently I couldn't date other people (which I didn't anyways) and like I was promising things (which I wasn't) I'm a serious spaz. So basically I felt commited, and it freaked me out. So instead of being a normal person and just letting things pan out, I freaked out and do what I do best-try and control everything. In this case I told him I needed space. Here's where it gets twisted though: after I wrote that letter I felt completely better. Once I had said I don't want to write, and I wasn't commited anymore, I was totally fine writing. It became fun again and I wanted to do it-because I didn't have to. But guess what? It doesn't work that way. I can't just half-ass everything in my life and expect things to work out. I can't just not commit to anything but then expect things to commit to me for when I'm ready. Because, well, clearly that situation back fired in a big way.
Example number two: I have this job that I just started. My schedule is M W F 3-11 PM. Well, the commitment hit me and I had an anxiety attack on Monday and half-quit my job. I started thinking, like I always do, about way too far into the future and freaked myself out. Here's my thought process: "I have to work EVERY M W F night. What if I want to do something one night? What if nobody takes my shifts and I miss Courtney's wedding? (In MAY, mind you) What if I have a vacation to go on and can't get work off? What if, in SEPTEMBER, something changes and I can't work those days anymore?...ya, I better just quit now." I'm a freak. So I talked to my supervisor and told her I couldn't handle things right now and I need to go on-call (which means I get to pick up shifts as they come available, and I don't have to be commited to anything..perfect) She was seriously great and we chatted and I told her about a lot of things going on in my life and why I'm feeling overwhelmed. She was so understanding and basically told me to just take some time and figure out what I need, and she'll be willing to work with whatever it is I decide. Angel. Enter twisted part: once I told her I wanted off my shift and basically had an out, I didn't want to quit anymore.
It's come to a point where anything I do I need an escape route. Once I've set up that route, I'm totally fine.
Seriously, what happened to me in my adolescence to make me this way?
I honestly want to see a therapist.
They're so damn expensive though.
Also, everything I do comes with me imagining the 200 steps to come afterward. I'll think a boy is cute. Then I imagine us talking, hanging out, going on a date, him liking me, me liking him, becoming official, things ending....anxiety attack....so I stop liking the boy. I play it all out in my mind and then think of the reasons why I actually don't like this boy-and convince myself of it. (I can be very convincing)
I can never just do something without thinking of alllllllllllllll the reasons why I shouldn't do it.
And I can never commit to something because I think of alllllllllllll the reasons why I might not want to. All these hypothetical situations, that more times than not don't happen anyways, that might come about to make me regret making said commitment.
It's ridiculous. I'm aware it's ridiculous and yet I continue to do it. Because otherwise I get anxiety. I hate buying flights, because they're non-refundable and WHAT IF I need to change it? I hate saying "yes" to plans too far in advance, because WHAT IF something else comes up? I hate the idea of dating someone, because WHAT IF something goes bad? Or WHAT IF it goes well...then we get into the realm of: where would we live? what if I'm in the middle of a housing contract? what if my family doesn't like him? what if I change my mind? what if he changes his mind? what if I have to quit my job and someone gets mad at me? what if I need two jobs and we never have time to see each other?
See how exhausting it is to be me?
But I'm also aware that I can't just go the rest of my life not commiting to anything and setting up escape routes for all I do. So my solution is......................undecided.



I legitimately don't know how I was part of the 2/3 in heaven that chose to come to earth with all this "free agency" crap. Because honestly, the idea of someone telling me what to do and not having to make any of my own decisions sounds AMAZING.