Little Things

I was at work yesterday and one of the girls, who I never thought liked me all that much, overheard me telling someone I don't have a boyfriend. She chimed in from her bedroom and said, "Claire I'm surprised you don't have a boyfriend. I'm surprised nobody's chosen you yet...I think you'll get one soon."
Okay first, I haven't chosen anyone either thank you very much.
But second, it was such a sweet moment! Coming from this girl who I struggle to have a relationship with and who always seems to not give a rats @$$ about me- it melted my stone cold heart.

Californ-I-A

Last weekend Court and I went on a last minute SURPRISE (shocker) trip to California! Jana was having her baby shower, and what kind of best friends would we be if we missed her first baby shower for her first born son! Oh, wait a second...
Anyways it was a great, much needed, too short, but re-feuling trip.
I loved every second of it.

I can't even describe how much I LOVE these babies. OH my goodness they are the cutest, most fun, adorable, funny, annoying humans and I miss them SO much when I'm gone.

Dorothy definitely got it right when she said "there's no place like home". I love it. From my bed, to the carpet, to the pool, to my parents, to the tv,to the weather, to my sisters, to target right next door, to xtreme yogurt, everything about it. How I wish I could combine my life in Provo with my family/house. That would be perfecto.

Anyways, it was a perfect trip home-maybe a little short, but definitely worth it. I was able to be with people I love and who love me back and was able to focus only on the happy things in my life and be surrounded by the things I love most. I got a lot of questions answered and a lot of feelings out and I feel a bit re-vamped if I'm being honest.

Now only 20 days left until I'm home again!

Can't wait.

Diary Post #25

Why is it that we go days or weeks or months staring at our phones and every sound it makes our heart drops because maybe it's that call/text/email (ya, I have a smart phone) that we've been hoping for..and then finally when we forget about it or give up on it we finally get what we've been dying for and it catches us completely off guard because you really forgot to hope for it?

It's the worst..and I guess the best, too.

Anyways, today I got a text that I had been half hoping for, half dreading, but forgot to think about-so I was caught completely off guard.

I've been hoping for it because I wanted the comfort it would bring, and also probably for some selfish reasons I won't give claim to.

I've been dreading it because I was afraid it would open wounds that aren't even closed yet, and I do my very best to ignore.

Well, let me just say that I truly believe it was inspired. A week ago I would have not taken it well-it would have only added to my misery and sent me into hysterics. But today, it was well received. My heart did drop, and then pounded throughout the 100x I read and re-read it, but no tears were shed (yet, hehe). It was the perfect words for me to hear today. And instead of making me feel worse, it gave me strength. Yes, I feel sick to my stomach right now because I'm obviously thinking about it-but I also know that I will able to go back to those kind, sweet words and draw strength from them.

From my point of view I can see how perfect the timing was.

Coincidence? I think not.

Also, can I take a second to say that I am fully aware of how debbie-downer by posts are lately. So if it's getting too diary/depressing/boring/you get uncomfortable reading/etc. for you, then by all means-go to....
Hehe. Just kidding.

I know I'll probably look back on my blog one day and regret saying some of these things, but for right now-and I mean RIGHT NOW as in 1 in the morning- I can't sleep because all these thoughts are swimming around in my mind and the only way to shut them up is to put them to words. And since I'm too lazy to write it all in my journal (hand cramps to the max), this is the next best thing.

So just know that I'm not that weirdo who posts super awkward, personal things and doesn't realize it...I'm that weirdo who posts super awkward, personal things and DOES realize it..and doesn't do anything about it.

I think I know which is worse.

Damn.

ANYWAYS. On a more positive note. Check out these cuties I got to spend all day with:

Ahhhh.

(that's the sigh of relief from the voices in my head being gone now..and sleep on it's way)

These Are A Few of My Favorite Things

So yesterday after my horse back riding incident, I decided that I need to stop doing things I know I don't like.  There are activities that I seriously wish I enjoyed, because it would make me a lot cooler.  For instance:
-I wish I liked jumping off cliffs/rope swings/etc.  Yes I've been skydiving and bungy jumping, but jumping off heights with nothing attached to me is one step too far.  Last summer I went with some friends to the Mona rope swing.  There's two levels: scary and scarier.  It took a lot of courage for me to even go off the short level.  So why, why, did I let everyone convince me to go off the top jump?  Oh, because I WISH I wasn't scared, and was tough and brave.  Well, I jumped.  I also got scared, closed my eyes, didn't hold on tight enough, went limp and skidded/whip lashed across the lake until the force of the water ripped the rope out of my hands.  Oh yeah, I bet I looked real tough.
-I wish I liked horse back riding.  (See previous post on why I don't)  I think the idea of horse back riding is so fun, romantic, relaxing, etc. so I wish I enjoyed it.  I want to so badly.  I just can't.
-I wish I liked mountain biking.  Last summer a couple friends and I went to Moab to camp and ride on the famous slick rock bike trail.  The night we get there we decided to go on the practice loop.  Well, about 3/4 of the way through I learned my bike is not a mountain bike.  Hence why I was bouncing so high on every single bump.  Why it was KILLING my legs to get up these stupid hills.  And why going down the hills I felt like I was going to tip over.  It was not fun, not at all.  But I really wish I enjoyed that kind of thing.  Even with the correct bike I didn't love it.  I mean leisure bike riding is one of my favorite things to do, but this intense bike riding was just way too scary for me. 
-I wish I liked snowboarding.  I enjoy going down the hill, very slowly, no fancy work, no tricks, no nothing at all.  Then I like sitting and resting for a while before I go down again.  I wish I was courageous and wanted to try jumps and rails and all that stuff-but again, it doesn't even sound fun to me because all I can imagine is breaking something-and it's just not worth it to me.

So I decided I need to just accept the fact that extreme sports are not my forte.  I'm not a fearless person.  Maybe I'm a little too cautious, but that's just how it's going to be.  I need to accept the fact that my favorite things to do are probably 95% the same as my Grandmothers'.  They include:
-reading
-knitting
-watching my shows
-playing games
-doing puzzles
-running
-going to the beach/pool but mostly just relaxing
-hiking
-travelling
-leisure biking

Yeah, I sound SUPER boring.  But I won't be so boring when all your other friends are in the hospital with broken limbs.  Then you'll all be BEGGING me to do a puzzle with you.

Oh, and here's another one of my favorite things:

Rocky.

So today I learned (more like reinforced what I already knew) that I seriously do not like horse back riding. My work has horses so a few friends and I had the horse lady take us on a trail ride since the weather today was BEAUtiful. Well, I got Rocky. No pun intended. That's the horses name. He was a little bastard. Kept trying to be first. Kept starting to run. Kept jerking around when I would try and stop him from running. He was just mean. So Heather and I traded since she thought she could handle him (she thinks she's a real cowgirl) and since she had the nicest/laziest horse, Pepper. Well, jokes on me. Pepper started acting out with me too! She kept trying to run. Oh all of a sudden her lazy ass decides to move? No. Then I try and slow her down and she freaks out and starts headbutting. She hit my sunglasses, that's how close she got to me. So at that point I decide it's time I walk my horse. My legs are shaking because I'm so scared. My arms are tired because I keep having to stop the horse. And I'm just terrified. So I walk. Buuuuut then Pepper keeps PUSHING me into the bushes. Literally. The trail is small and surrounded by brush and the damn horse just keeps pushing me aside so she has the whole trail. Don't worry, I fought back. I took control real quick and kept pushing her out of my way. I acted tough but inside I was so scared. I mean this horse is HUGE. She could have gave a slight kicked and sent me flying. Or broken my body. Or taken a limb.

So, needless to say I won't be horse back riding any time soon.

Commitment

I've learned recently that I have major commitment issues. It's an unfortunate issue to have, because life takes commitment. A lot of it. So when commiting to, anything really, freaks you out-well, I'm the result.
I started noticing my issue just recently through a series of events in my life, and looking back over the past couple of years I can definitely see how it's affected me and my decisions.
First of all I see a track record of me moving around a lot. Living in Utah for the past year is the longest I've stayed living somewhere since 2007. Working at 24 Hour for 11 months is the longest job I've held..ever. The longest relationship I had lasted a little over a year and a half...plus 2 years if you want to count that-which we don't. I don't know why, but feeling commited and tied down to something freaks me out, gives me anxiety, makes me talk myself out of it, etc. It's a mess. And it really sucks because sometimes the things I can't commit to are great things, but I just mess it up for myself. And I don't know how to fix it.
About a year into Brandons' mission I wrote him and basically said we can't write all that often anymore because I didn't want to feel like we were still in a relationship. Now let me explain. At the time I was feeling a lot of pressure and I felt like if I was writing to him consistently I couldn't date other people (which I didn't anyways) and like I was promising things (which I wasn't) I'm a serious spaz. So basically I felt commited, and it freaked me out. So instead of being a normal person and just letting things pan out, I freaked out and do what I do best-try and control everything. In this case I told him I needed space. Here's where it gets twisted though: after I wrote that letter I felt completely better. Once I had said I don't want to write, and I wasn't commited anymore, I was totally fine writing. It became fun again and I wanted to do it-because I didn't have to. But guess what? It doesn't work that way. I can't just half-ass everything in my life and expect things to work out. I can't just not commit to anything but then expect things to commit to me for when I'm ready. Because, well, clearly that situation back fired in a big way.
Example number two: I have this job that I just started. My schedule is M W F 3-11 PM. Well, the commitment hit me and I had an anxiety attack on Monday and half-quit my job. I started thinking, like I always do, about way too far into the future and freaked myself out. Here's my thought process: "I have to work EVERY M W F night. What if I want to do something one night? What if nobody takes my shifts and I miss Courtney's wedding? (In MAY, mind you) What if I have a vacation to go on and can't get work off? What if, in SEPTEMBER, something changes and I can't work those days anymore?...ya, I better just quit now." I'm a freak. So I talked to my supervisor and told her I couldn't handle things right now and I need to go on-call (which means I get to pick up shifts as they come available, and I don't have to be commited to anything..perfect) She was seriously great and we chatted and I told her about a lot of things going on in my life and why I'm feeling overwhelmed. She was so understanding and basically told me to just take some time and figure out what I need, and she'll be willing to work with whatever it is I decide. Angel. Enter twisted part: once I told her I wanted off my shift and basically had an out, I didn't want to quit anymore.
It's come to a point where anything I do I need an escape route. Once I've set up that route, I'm totally fine.
Seriously, what happened to me in my adolescence to make me this way?
I honestly want to see a therapist.
They're so damn expensive though.
Also, everything I do comes with me imagining the 200 steps to come afterward. I'll think a boy is cute. Then I imagine us talking, hanging out, going on a date, him liking me, me liking him, becoming official, things ending....anxiety attack....so I stop liking the boy. I play it all out in my mind and then think of the reasons why I actually don't like this boy-and convince myself of it. (I can be very convincing)
I can never just do something without thinking of alllllllllllllll the reasons why I shouldn't do it.
And I can never commit to something because I think of alllllllllllll the reasons why I might not want to. All these hypothetical situations, that more times than not don't happen anyways, that might come about to make me regret making said commitment.
It's ridiculous. I'm aware it's ridiculous and yet I continue to do it. Because otherwise I get anxiety. I hate buying flights, because they're non-refundable and WHAT IF I need to change it? I hate saying "yes" to plans too far in advance, because WHAT IF something else comes up? I hate the idea of dating someone, because WHAT IF something goes bad? Or WHAT IF it goes well...then we get into the realm of: where would we live? what if I'm in the middle of a housing contract? what if my family doesn't like him? what if I change my mind? what if he changes his mind? what if I have to quit my job and someone gets mad at me? what if I need two jobs and we never have time to see each other?
See how exhausting it is to be me?
But I'm also aware that I can't just go the rest of my life not commiting to anything and setting up escape routes for all I do. So my solution is......................undecided.



I legitimately don't know how I was part of the 2/3 in heaven that chose to come to earth with all this "free agency" crap. Because honestly, the idea of someone telling me what to do and not having to make any of my own decisions sounds AMAZING.