Panic

Tonight I had a full fledged panic attack.
Like mid-conversation. I had just read a text from a friend with some unfortunate information in it, and Courtney calls me. I accidentally answer as I'm trying to text, and she immediately starts babbling about something or other. I'm trying to pay attention but slowly I feel myself losing it to the anxiety. Finally I interrupt her and all hell breaks loose.
I start hyperventilating really badly and can't catch my breath for a good 2 minutes. Meanwhile the waterworks are happening and poor Court is just there, on the other line.
Embarrassing? Yes. But she's seen much worse so it's okay.

One day this story will be funny, right now I'm still embarrassed as I'm about to post it to the worldwide web.
Oh and my nails I just painted just got messed up.
Seriously, Xanex.

Over

January is over?

Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???

Here's my current problem: I think I'm obsessed.

1. I'm obsessed with money. It takes a lot for me to turn down an opportunity to make money, and it literally pains me to do so. Some might say that just means I'm SUPER hard-working, independent, mature, etc., but that's not really how I see it. Because yes, I work a lot and no, I don't have many bills to pay. My mom taught me that money comes and goes, and I shouldn't stress about it. But I can't help it- I stress. Everything I buy I think of in terms of "this is 2,3,4 hours of work..is it worth it?" So even when I do buy something I can't fully enjoy it because I'm thinking of the amount of work I have to do to pay it off. Seriously annoying. I just want to RELAX about it. On top of that, I'm a serious shopaholic, so I basically spend my life wanting, wanting, needing, getting..and then stressing endlessly. Someone give me a Xanex.

2. I'm obsessed with my body...and not in a "oh I'm so hot and ripped I need to stare at myself" kind of way.
Disclaimer: I don't think I'm fat. I don't have an eating disorder. I'm definitely not searching for (or wanting) compliments or assurances.
Let me explain. Kind of in the way I think of my purchases in terms of working hours, I think of things I eat in terms of the time I exercise. Every m&m I eat I think "Ugh this is like 7 football fields' worth of running". Whenever I eat something I usually end up feeling guilty about it, which makes it not worth it x2. (1-the calories, 2-I didn't enjoy it) Also I have a problem comparing myself with other girls. I know this is a huuuuuuuge no-no, but I can't help it! I think "I wonder how often she works out", or "I wonder if she just never eats". Or I'll become resentful and think "Okay I work out WAY more than she does, and yet her body is way nicer than mine". Ya, I know I know. I've heard all the "your body is beautiful, everyone is different, love yourself" blah blah. But that's not easy. I know we (especially women) are more critical of ourselves, and my self-criticism comes in the form of body image. I work at a gym, which definitely doesn't help. Especially in Provo where it seems every girl is in some sort of competition to be the hottest/skinniest girl around. I just see these fit, tiny women coming in all day and I think-what the H are they doing up there?! I work out. I go to the gym and work out and get sore and all that, and yet the results are not the same. It's a struggle for me. And no I'm not about to go throw up my dinner, or turn down frozen yogurt the next time it's offered. I'm just saying, we all have issues.

On a lighter note-I bought a shirt from Urban Outfitters today.

It only cost me $10.

1 hour of babysitting.

Totally worth it.

Tires

Let me tell you a little story about my past few days:
Wednesday night I'm driving back from Park City with Courtney and Anders. We're coming down the canyon at about 11PM and I hear a weird sound coming from my tire. I pull over to inspect. We (and by "we" of course I mean Anders) soon figure out that my tire is so bald that it's now shredding apart and the metal underneath is coming through. What, who knows what bald tires are? So we (again, by "we" I don't mean myself) quickly put on the spare and drive carefully home.

-Sidenote: Wednesday was a random day in which it wasn't snowing or raining on the canyon drive. Lucky for me, or my car would most likely be down in some ditch having spun off the road due to zero, or negative, grip capability.

So I wake up Thursday morning to go pick up my kids (not really mine) from preschool. Aaaaaand enter flat spare tire. Seriously? I frantically call my sister and she shows up 30 seconds later to pick me up (by some "coincidence" she lives around the corner from me). So I (and by "I" I don't mean myself-except the money part unfortunately) spend the day pumping up my spare tire, researching the cheapest tires around, and finally spending $512.13 on 4 brand spankin' new tires. What the hell. Apparently my back tires weren't lookin' so hot either. Seriously, who knows what bald tires look like? But fine, tires are an investment and I needed them so I bit the bullet.

Friday comes and goes with no real incidents, thank goodness. (Actually it is worth mentioning that on Friday I went to Victoria's Secret and it was revealed to me that I measure at a 32B. Say WHAAAAAT? The itty-bitty-titty-committe has one less member)

Saturday I wake up and drive to my sister's house. On the way there some boy stops me and tells me that my back tire is flat. Excuse me? The tire I just spend $500 is flat? Yes, that's the one. So I get to Laura's house and sure enough, flat. I decide that I'm a grown adult and can figure out how to use the air compressor without help. (Also because Mike is at work so I had no choice) So I figure out how to use it, figure out how much air to put in the tire, and complete my task feeling very proud of myself. As I'm going to take the compressor off my tire, all hell breaks loose. I somehow manage to break the valve off my tire and all the air quickly escapes and leaves my tire (and myself) completely deflated. So I do what any grown adult would do...
I start crying and call my dad.
In the end all is well. I was able to get a friend to come put my (semi) flat spare BACK on and I drove back to Discount Tires and they fixed me up nice and new fo' FREE.

The moral of this story is that things are easier when you live at home where your dad can do things for you.

sidenote-just sent my dad a birthday card that goes like this:
"Dad, I may not know how to plunge a toilet or tinker under the hood of my car. But there is one thing you taught me that I'll never forget..(open card)
To ask you to do it for me."

Ain't that the truth.

Zac-Attack

Baking with Zac goes a little like this:
"Zac do you want a taste?"
*hand him the lid of the cool whip container*

Merry Christmas.

Concrete Jungle

Took a weekend trip to NYC. It was seriously amazing.
The last time I went to New York was my senior year of high school, 2007. I went with a few friends: Alex, Derrick, and Courtney. That trip was awful. Looking back now I can laugh and appreciate how awful it was and remember the funny parts of the trip, but in the moment I wanted to die.
Let me re-cap for you: we took a red eye so we got in at 6 am. I felt really sick and ended up with the flu the first day. We were staying with Alex's brother in the BRONX, scary, in a teeny tiny room with a teeny tiny bed. Court and I shared while the boys were on the floor. The water heater broke the first day we arrived, which meant no showers for 4 whole days. One day I was walking throught the subway turnstile (we each bought a week-pass for the subway) and somehow I slid the card in the wrong slot, so Derrick and I ended up having to go through the same turnstile. Enter undercover cop-writes Derrick and I each a ticket, even after we showed we each have a subway pass. One day I thought it would rain, so I wore rain boots. It did not rain, but the boots were too small and I literally was limping by the end of the day because my feet were hurting SO bad. The next day, thinking the weather would hold up and not being able to wear my rain boots again, I wore Ugs. Well, it not only rained-it POURED. Ugs-soaked through completely. Freezing cold feet. Also on this day, being our last day in the city, we got majorly lost in Central Park-in the pouring rain, in the sponges on my feet. We finally make it out and back to our house, quickly grab a taxi and race to the airport, just in time to MISS OUR FLIGHT. The lady at the counter told us the next flight wasn't until tomorrow morning (um, we are not about to sleep in the airport) or we could pay $800 and buy a new ticket. What the HAIL. Long story short we somehow (still not sure how this worked) got another airline to accept our tickets and we were able to get on a flight that night. But not before we were "randomly selected" at security. Sure, let me take off my jacket and raise my arms after not showering OR shaving for 4 days.
So, when I got offered the opportunity to re-do a New York trip, I eagerly jumped at the chance. This time, things went much, much differently:
A family that Court and I babysit for took us to New York to help keep track of the little ones. We stayed in a posh hotel a few blocks from Times Square (bye bye Bronx), we went out to the Statue of Liberty (in trip #1 we were all broke high schoolers, so we couldn't do anything touristy), we went to the top of the Empire State Building, ate at Justin Timberlake's restaurant-Southern Hospitality, waited outside NBC studios and met the cast of SNL, showered EVERY day, didn't get lost at all, no tickets, appropriate shoes for every occasion. Needless to say, this trip completely restored my image of New York City. I loved every second of it.

(the little girls we hung out with- Amelia and Savvy)

Out of all the amazing things I did this weekend, what, you might ask, was my favorite?

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

I had this conversation via text with Cassie today:

Cassie: So, I think I might have finally broken Violet of her pacifier. Can you guess what I used to bribe her?
Me: She's your daughter, so probably food.
Cassie: Precisely. Donuts.

Parenting 101.

Ima Luigi, Numba One

Happy Halloween.

-Mario Brothers

13.1

So about 8 weeks ago my friend Heather (far right) somehow talked us ladies into running a half marathon. At first I agreed, not really believing it would happen considering the most I had ever run at that point was a 10k. But Heather is a persistent little POS and immediately sent us all a training schedule to follow. Great.
The first few weeks were easy-peasy, but once we got up to running 7, 8, 9, 10! miles I figured this was really going to happen. So I bit the bullet and paid the $55 procastinators' registration fee, and it became official.
The night before the race our team, iRun, went and carb-loaded at the Pizza Pie Cafe (buffet style pizza, pasta, salad)-by FAR the best part of the entire training/run. The next morning we woke up at the butt crack of dawn (okay it was 6:30, but still) and headed up the canyon to the start of the run. We started and we ran, ran, ran, ran. I had run 10 miles the week before, so I figured I would be good until then and just pull 3 miles out at the end. Weeeeeeell at about mile 6 I hit a bit of a rough patch. My calves were screaming at me, a blister was forming, and my energy was dipping. My main goal in this half was to run the entire thing. I didn't want to walk at all, even for a minute, so when I hit a bit of a wall I got nervous that I would need a break. Well, I endured. There was definitely some divine intervention, and help from my goo packets kept safely in my bra-but I ran 13.1 miles in 1 hour, 52 minutes without stopping. Holla.

(we wouldn't let the busser take our plates until we were finished so we could get the full effect)

Here are my fellow iPods and I at the end of our race. We all did so great and I'm so proud of us and mostly I'm SO glad it's over. I'll be honest: it was not fun to train and it was not fun to run 13 miles. BUT I am very glad I was able to accomplish it.

sidenote: I seriously remember 3 years ago going to the gym in Texas and my goal for my workout, my real life end goal, was to run for 10 minutes. And sometimes when I was feeling motivated, I'd keep going until I hit a mile. True story people. Just sayin', anyone can do it.

Survival of the Fittest

Yesterday I ran my 1st half marathon. 13.1 miles.
Today I want to die.

Stay tuned.

Retail Therapy

Why is it that when I'm in a bad mood I go straight to the mall? (primarily XXI) I want to understand what it is that makes me think that shopping will make me feel better, and even more I want to understand why it actually works!
Today I was in a mood, so I decided to get out and go to the grocery store. First, I thought, I'll go to the mall.. just to look. Well $30 later I was on my way to the store I had set out to in the first place.

Why can't my bad moods drive me to exercise? That way I could lose lbs instead of dollars.

Benjamin Button

Meet my newest nephew, Benjamin. I've only met him a few times, but he is the sweetest baby.
(And don't think I'm just saying that because he's my nephew, because let's be honest: Eli was a POS until he was about 5 months old, Zacs' breathing comes out in form of a cry, Jay is more bossy than anyone, and Johnny has puked in the face of everyone in my family.)
So no, I'm not biased just because I'm related.
Everytime I get a new nephew I get nervous that I won't like him as much as the others. Especially wish Benjamin because since I live in Utah I won't be able to spend as much time with him as I have with the others. But I'm happy to say that I love this sweet baby just as much (if not more since he can't talk yet) as the others. I can't wait to go home for Christmas and spend all the time in the world with him before he isn't a baby anymore.
But don't worry everyone: he's already 2 and a half months old, which means Cassie is due to get pregnant in about....4 weeks ago.

Shady's back back back, tell a friend

( I met some random girl who took me to a Rascal Flatts/Sara Evans concert for my birthday)

Okay but for reals. I'm back. I haven't blogged in fo-eva and I'm annoyed about it because my blog could have been very pinteresting had I kept it up to date. Maybe I should just get my thought log out and re-write every page.
But in the mean time, just know that you all have something to look forward to. (my posts)